Caution, C bomb approaching

I'm currently sat on a Spanish beach or Playa if you would like some lingo, the sun is burning my back but I don't hate the playa I hate the game, I'm not even sure what that means to be fair.

I am also not at the beach anymore at the time of posting this but that's not important because in 2 days time I fly off to another beachy location, I'm not winning at life but I'm certainly taking it to extra time where I may lose on penalties.  

As I write this I am worried about the possibility of skin cancer, we are warned about the sun and its effect on our skin much like we are warned about the sun newspaper and how that can give you brain cancer or some other metaphoric ailment that makes you briefly contemplate murder or at least arson. Please don't kill anyone or set fire to things as a result of reading this, I don't want some over sensitive student magazine on the phone wanking on about how irresponsible I am.

Anyway poorly conceived metaphors aside how shit are we at being alive if you can't even go outside without the risk of baking to death? I mean humans are so feeble, we live on a planet made up of mostly water yet can't survive in said water, some of us can't even sail across the stuff without turning into Linda Blair. I refer of course to the vomiting part, if your head spins round 360 degrees or you feel the urge to violently masterbate using a crucifix then probably see a doctor .

The sun, (for those of you based in northern England it's that orange ball in the sky that other parts of the world can see when the clouds go away) has already fricasseed my tender Yorkshire skin as I defiantly announced to anyone who would dare suggest I had to choose between cream up or death; I'll be reet.

I, like many others, don't really know how likely it is to contract cancer from the sun, I have heard about the likelihood and then formulated an opinion on the chances of it happening to me before deciding that tertiary information is sufficient and refusing to read up any further on it because let's be honest, who needs to be informed these days before having an opinion?

Well in the age of social media, instant information and the apparent dumbing down of society it seems no one needs all; or in fact any; of the facts before arguing vehemently their point with anyone stupid enough to be drawn into cyber debate about anything!

This is something I have noticed about a number of stand up comedians, wannabes and hobbyists whose path I have crossed due to my own probably deluded vision of a comedy based venture, they have such strong opinions on the square route of fuck all.

It may be that I have only recently noticed it, that performers are worse than your average human or that I only happen to notice the particularly self absorbed explosion of opinion that could easily have been worded in a way that perhaps better reflects the intended tone. 

What's particularly frustrating about this is that 90% of these posts, replies to posts or even blogs (such as this, my own wanky expression of opinion which of course creates a pot and kettle situation) come from truly lovely, talented and intelligent people.

Almost everyone I have met through stand up is a remarkable human, they are often so bright, so gifted, so much more than I could ever be that I feel like wincing and running away as I could never be like them.... But then we become Facebook friends and they post something that to me reads 

"I am a cunt I am a cunt I am a cunt oh and your opinion can't possibly be right because I'm an enormous cunt"

The thing is, I wouldn't want anyone to not feel like they could spout their opinions on their own Facebook pages, but can we at least expect someone to have a differing opinion no matter how horrific, stupid or  possibly wrong without shouting them down and becoming aggressive or even oppressive?

If some Facebook conversations were real life face to face chats I could only imagine most conversations ending with Wild West style saloon fights with the Facebook group moderator as town sherif just deleting historical verbalisations as if that makes them no longer relevant. Even the Amish would probably be reduced to slapping each other now and then if they used the Facebook rules of communication.

I'd like to see more debate, discussion and opinion as I'm open to changing mine if someone is able to formulate and argument that makes sense, imagine how many UKIP supporters would have voted elsewhere if rather than being called an ignorant prick they were advised on the facts, or how many newbies to something would either quit straight away or go about things the right way if instead of being belittled it was explained to them what danger they are doing. 

Not all morons can be un-moroned this way (genuinely want un-moroned to become a word) but if we can change how we behave on social media in order to come across a little more approachable it may benefit us all in the long run because like it or not we can not control how others perceive us and our personal brand may be being damaged by the way we interact with others on social media.

I still don't know if this sun is killing me, but at least of these are to be my last days on earth, I'm bloody enjoying them here in Spain.

Jim x

Jim's back

As a would be comedian there is no greater feeling than smashing a gig, nothing is sweeter than tearing the roof off.

All your hard work, skilfully written jokes and intelligent humour landing and being lapped up by a savvy audience.

It's such a great feeling when everything you say makes them laugh, when everyone is on board, members of the audience want to do sex to you, the venue manager is contemplating doubling your fee and all the other acts want to high five you and bask in your greatness.

You are carried out of the venue by cheering fans who all add you on Facebook follow you on Twitter and read your blog, they chant your name, you have a statue erected in the town and never need to pay for a drink there again!

It's wonderful to know everything went as it should and you return to the green room like George Peppard addressing the rest of the A-Team cigar in hand "I love it when a plan comes together" you even imagine yourself in a helicopter or as your mind now wanders to the A-Team's antics, you see yourself making a tank from 9 screws a vaccum cleaner , some corrugated iron and an 87 beetle... You can do anything now!

Being funny; and on purpose is brilliant, it's what everyone one of us needy, attention seeking, low self esteem, shit spewing, show offs desire and oh wow when you bring the house down its great....... 

But no one cares about that, because from time to time a comedian has to die on their arse!

Oh and I did so recently, I have no excuses, it was a nice gig, great room, well run, good MC, strong act before me.... Everything was perfect until calamity Jim lifted the mic from the stand and began talking.

I should have stayed at home, it was one of THOSE days that no one really knows what kind of a day it actually is or why it happens but it just does.

I may as well have written on a sandwich board "I'm fucking useless" and walked up and down Leeds but I'd have probably tripped over my own feet and set fire to myself outside a fire station that already has all their staff dealing with an explosion somewhere (most likely my house as I'd probably left the gas on)

I had started by getting up late and going to the day job in odd and not necessarily clean socks, look I know not all of us put fresh socks on every day but these were so bad I could hear them humming.

I was 10 mins late to work on a day that was busier than normal meaning I was already on the back foot and had to stay later causing a knock on effect which meant I was late getting set off to the gig.

Late meant traffic.... Nothing is more fuelling of my borderline misanthropy than being sat in a car going 7 miles an hour in the fast lane of a motorway...... If we had Chinese 1 baby rules half of these cretins in my way would have been bagged in latex long before they developed their miserable lives, learnt to drive, bought cars and got in my bleedin way!

Now I'm being cantankerous too, someone wanted to cut in front of me and for no reason I've decided this in unacceptable, I'm driving as close to the car in front as possible so have can eat my slow moving dust.

The gentleman in question seems to be waving, I'm not sure as I refuse to look at him as he doesn't exist and the maracas shaking mine that I think he's doing is a little wrong but no time for this my junction is in 12 miles and sat nav is laughing at how long it's taking me to get there.

I arrive at the gig, I've forgotten my watch so I need my phone up on the stage to time me as in very used to doing 20 mins or MC duties these days and my timings for a 10 spot are a bit off.

I've somehow missed a tuft of hair shaving and while no one seems to have noticed, I'm aware and it's causing me to scratch the area when talking to someone.

I said hello to Gavin and chatted to him for 15 mins before someone else joined and it became clear he is actually called Ian... Close then!!

I ordered a drink and paid for it before being told acts get drinks free, it's not going well!!

Then the gig starts, MC does a fantastic job, opening act goes out and smashes it, he literally (now that literally means figuratively) brought the house down.... Which I swiftly managed to put back up.

All that lazy half assed work, poorly written jokes and childish humour being seen through by a stupid audience!!!

You it's an awful feeling when no one is on board! Throat getting dry, feeling smaller and smaller, moving to the back of the stage, talking faster.... It's not working!

The audience want to stab me, the manager is contemplating halving my fee, the other acts don't want to come near me in case the shittyness infects them!

I hate it when a plan fails miserably, fuck the 11 o clock rule I want to spend the entire next day eating chocolate and drinking gin, I don't even like gin but I must be punished for having existed in the 1st place!

And now, the condescension that you can't even get angry at as they mean well; "tough crowd" "it happens to us all" "it wasn't that bad" piss off and let me rot in my own pool of bitterness you fucknuggets !! 

But of course they are trying to help so you smile and make excuses; "it was a new bit" (it's been new for 3 years) "I was feeling ill" so?

These stage deaths that are totally our own fault are exactly why when an act smashes a gig they are entitled to sing about it, no matter how much so though, I guarantee that every Facebook post of celebration is met by acts thinking "Piss off you self flagellating prick" because no matter how much we want comedy to thrive, we want to be seen as better than the 9 zillion other acts out there, but feck it comedy is fun, so I'm going to keep on enjoying the ride even if I have had more deaths than Bill Paxton characters